As lovers, we want to be good for our partners.
We want to please them. We want them to have an amazing sexual experience with us.
Being great in bed for our partner is an awesome trait, but there’s a catch.
Sometimes, in an effort to please our partners, we might be neglecting our own pleasure.
There’s a huge difference between pleasing our partner because it excites us, or because we want to be good for them and pleasing our partner so they get off our back.
After a while, if we regularly have sex with our partner and don’t fully enjoy it; if we have sex when we don’t really want to, things start to go south.
Sex is becoming a chore.
We all know that a chore is a routine task.
And there are so many reasons why you may have reached this point.
A few of these look like;
Maybe you have young children that demand your constant attention, and sex is not high on your priority list.
Perhaps you are stressed in life and you don’t have the capacity to relax into sex.
Perhaps sex hasn’t been that enjoyable for you and you’re simply not that excited anymore.
Whatever the case might be, sex has become a chore.
It’s another thing to do so your partner feels that you still love them, and so they don’t go wandering around looking for what they ain’t getting at home.
Without a doubt, your sex life has now become a chore which may and can form into a burden.
It’s Just Not Right
If you are having sex with your partner only (or mainly) in order to please them — it’s actually not good for your relationship.
They might not be telling this to you overtly, and they might not even be aware of it themself, but they can tell that you’re not there.
Your partner can tell that you are only having sex to please them and that you’re not fully in it yourself.
For sure, they might be enjoying the sex, but on a different level, they are not getting the thing they want most: feeling connected to you.
If you’re having sex with your partner only in order to please them, you are sending them the subconscious message that they can use your body for their own satisfaction.
It’s quite objectifying, really, when you come to think about it.
And, you are also letting yourself down, sending your subconscious mind a signal that you are not important enough to care for your own needs.
Stop or Else
If you’re doing this for a prolonged amount of time, there’s a good chance your relationship will actually suffer from it.
You are doing this because you’re trying to maintain the relationship — where, in fact, you are probably hindering it.
Your partner might be fooled for a little while, but when a loving partner makes love with your body, while you wish you were not really there — even if they do their best to please you and even if you are both experiencing an orgasm — the connection is what your partner will soon be missing.
Objectifying sex has its place in a loving long-term relationship, as part of a fantasy play or as a quickie every now and then, but not as the only form of making love.
5 Tips To Help You Eliminate Sex As A Chore
- Find time for yourself
If you have young children around, if you have a highly stressful job, if you are really occupied with life and there’s no way out, this tip of finding time to invest in yourself might sound frustrating.
But really, it is so important.
Try meditation, a yoga class, a walk-in nature, or just a relaxing bath.
- Make time for being affectionate with your partner
This is not about sex.
This is about affection: holding hands, a kiss on the cheek, a soft gaze into the eyes.
Your partner wants sex, but what they crave a lot of the time is touch.
Especially for the men. A strong connection that is facilitated by a physical bond is what they crave.
Women need to remember, that most men don’t experience any platonic touch from their family and friends as they do.
And it’s not necessarily because they only want sex why men crave to be touched.
They simply miss out on everyday touches that a lot of women do get to experience.
But men don’t get as much physical attention and their needs for touch haven’t been met.
Keep that in mind next time your partner wants a cuddle.
- Get your priorities straight
If you have a very demanding career, and a busy social life, or you’re the main caregiver for your children — the relationship with your partner can sometimes get overlooked.
But please consider, that in order to have a satisfying, meaningful, close intimacy, you need to pay attention to your relationship, too.
If you want it to thrive, you need to invest in it.
Not just “giving your partner what they want” so they don’t feel neglected: you need to be great.
That means you need to find the time to truly connect with them. Your partner is your long-term investment. After you retire, after the kids have left the nest, your partner is the one you want to be there for you.
But you need to be there for them now. I mean, really be present.
- When it comes to sex — don’t do it for them
I can’t stress this point highly enough. Don’t make sex a chore to tick off your “to do” list.
Don’t have sex just to please your partner. Not on a regular basis, anyway.
If you have sex on an ongoing basis without truly enjoying yourself, you are not really there for your partner. Your partner might want more sex than you want it at this stage of your life.
But instead of “giving them” what you assume they want, it’s better to communicate with them about how to help you restore your sex drive.
Perhaps together you can find some creative solutions to get you more “me time”, to be more affectionate together, and to prioritize your connection as lovers.
- Learn how to connect to your own pleasure
Knowing what actually creates a powerful, connecting, meaningful, pleasurable sex life is of utmost importance.
When you have sex for your own pleasure, when you have sex because you really want to, your partner will notice.
When you really do enjoy yourself, your partner will feel more connected to you.
This is what they are craving for.